724 Minutes
by sinnerforhire
Summary: Dean and Sam take Cas to a bar to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Winchester style.


_10:32 am_

"I do not understand why we must arrive so early. Most establishments of this nature open much later in the day, I thought."

"You don't know what today is?"

"No, apparently not."

"It's St. Patrick's Day! You know, beer drinker's Christmas! You have to get to the bar early to get a good seat for the festivities."

"I knew St. Patrick. He was an exceedingly pious man. I do not believe he would approve of this sort of 'celebration' in his name."

"Don't mind him, he'll be cranky until he hits on every girl in the bar."

"I don't have to hit on them, Sammy, they'll hit on me."

"You keep telling yourself that, sport."

"Welcome to O-Reilly's! What can I get you gentlemen started with?"

"We'll take a pitcher of green beer and three Jamesons, neat."

"Coming right up."

"Dean, I'm not sure this is a good idea. Don't you remember what happened last year? No, of course you wouldn't, you were halfway to alcohol poisoning."

"Ignore him, he's just bitter about being the designated driver."

"That part I don't mind. It's the designated thinker part that I don't like."

"We'll behave. Won't we, Cas?"

"I intend to."

"Here we go, one pitcher of green beer and three whiskeys, neat."

"Now we're talking."

"Dean, why is the beer green? It is not a naturally occuring phenomenon, correct?"

"It's St. Patrick's Day! Luck of the Irish and all that. Irish green, green beer. Just drink it."

"It is...unpleasant."

"That's because it's cheap-ass American lager. I'm getting myself some real beer, thanks."

"More for us, then."

_11:47 am_

"That bandolier is the hottest damn thing I've ever seen."

"Dean, shot girls are off limits, remember? We don't want another repeat of Kenosha."

"That was just because her dad was the sheriff."

"Regardless, keep your hands to yourself."

"What'll you have? I've got Swedish Fish, Sex on the Beach, and Apple Jacks."

"Three Swedish Fish, and Cas here'll have Sex on the Beach."

"We are not anywhere near a beach, and having sex with this young woman would be the height of inappropriateness."

"It's the name of the drink. Here, try it."

"It is quite fruity, but not altogether unpleasant. I will have another."

"Here, put this in her back pocket."

"Why must I apply dollar bills to her posterior?"

"It's how you tip her. Just do it."

"Geez, I leave you two alone for five seconds and you have Cas molesting the shot girl. I can't take you anywhere."

"He was tipping her! It's the decent thing to do!"

"Next time, just hand it to her, okay?"

"You're no fun."

"You're trying to vicariously molest a shot girl and corrupt an angel at the same time!"

"I am not! I'm simply teaching Cas the finer points of bar etiquette."

"Yeah, 'cause Emily Post totally covered shot girl molestation."

"Shut up and drink your six-dollar beer, asshole."

_12:18 pm_

"And then one time, I was at this party with this girl, Amber Claiborne, and she had the biggest goddamn tits you ever saw on a fifteen-year-old. She was like a jailbait Victoria's Secret model, I swear, and we were in her basement, and-"

"For the love of all that's holy, please don't finish that story."

"What? I'm trying to teach Cas about human mating rituals. Info he'll need later tonight, the way the shot girl's lookin' at him."

"He's not gonna pick up the shot girl, Dean!"

"Why would I pick her up? She is perfectly capable of walking under her own power."

"He means take her home and sleep with her."

"I am perfectly content to sleep alone."

"You are fuckin' hopeless. Drink your whiskey."

_1:03 pm_

"First I drew my dagger, then I drew my weapon-"

"Dean, stop singing. You only know the words 'cause Metallica covered it, anyway."

"I'll sing if I want to."

"You're being obnoxious. I never thought I'd say this, but please stick to drinking."

"Hey! Shot girl! Over here!"

"She has a name, Dean."

"Three more Apple Jacks, two Sex on the Beach, and how 'bout your number?"

"Dean!"

"That'll be 11 dollars. And I have a boyfriend."

"Damn. Keep the change."

"Thanks."

"Shame, though, your trenchcoated friend is kinda cute."

"..."

"Dean, shut your mouth, you look mentally challenged."

"She thinks Cas is cute and not me! Clearly something's wrong with her vision."

"Yeah, she can see desperation."

"Fuck you. And gimme that fork."

"What do you want with the fork?"

"I'm gonna stab myself in the eye with it. What do you think I want with it? I dropped mine in the aisle so the waitress would bend over in that short skirt and pick it up."

"How am I related to you?"

_1:46 pm_

"This song is inaccurate. Scottish shepherds did not have carnal relations with the animals in their care."

"It's a comedy staple, it's not meant to accurately portray Scottish culture."

"Besides, ovine bestiality was confined to the Babylonians' sphere of influence."

_2:03 pm_

"The Babylonians weren't really sheep-fuckers, were they?"

_3:12 pm_

"Did it hurt, when you fell from Heaven?"

"It was unpleasant, yes, but all things considered, it could have been worse. ...Wait a second, how did you know about-about-"

"Cas, it's a bad pickup line, don't worry about it. She doesn't know anything."

"Come on, honey, I'll buy you another drink while my friend here finishes rebooting after that blue-screen you just gave him."

"It's 'cause he looks like an angel."

"Maybe he does, but I assure you, I'm an absolute devil in bed."

"Dean!"

"Sam. Shut. The hell. Up."

_3:23 pm_

"Dean has been in the restroom an awful long time."

"Cas, he's not in the bathroom. He's out in the Impala with that girl who hit on you."

"Why would he feel the need to lie about his intentions?"

"Because he didn't want me to give him shit about it."

"Give him...shit? Humans distribute excrement to dissuade others from bad decisions?"

"It's an expression, Cas. It means I would try to talk him out of it through creative insults."

"Ah, I see."

"Finish that green beer, would you? I'm gonna order us a decent one."

_4:06 pm_

"Why is that man trying to devour the abdomen of the woman on the counter?"

"It's called a belly shot. He's drinking liquor out of her belly button."

"That seems unsanitary."

"You don't know the half of it."

"I should warn Dean."

"Trust me, Dean doesn't care."

_ 5:39 pm_

"Dean, you better slow down on those."

"Fuck you, I could hold my liquor better'n you when I was twelve."

"Are you trying to get us kicked out again?"

"No, 'm just havin' a good time."

"Dean, put down the salt shaker."

"Wanna see somethin' cool?"

"Dean-"

"Dammit!"

"I'll go get the waitress to clean this up. Why the hell did you think you could balance a salt shaker on your nose?"

"I used ta be able t'do it."

"Yeah, but that time came and went six shots ago."

_6:16 pm_

"Wanna play darts?"

"Dean, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."

"Wanna bet?"

"No, I don't. Sit down."

"Bet you next pitcher I'm still better'n you on yer best day."

"Fine. If it'll make you quit whining..."

"Ah!"

"Oh m'god, 'm so sorry!"

"You hit me in the ass!"

"I don't know what's gotten into him, here, let me buy you a drink to make up for it."

"Hey Cas, I tot'ly did 'at on purpose."

"I am sure you did, Dean."

_7:34 pm_

"What do you do with a drunken sailor, ear-lie in the mornin'"

"What did I tell you about singing?"

_8:12 pm_

"C'mon, Cas, let's dance."

"I do not dance, Dean."

"Aw, just this once, c'mon, it'll be fun!"

"Look, Cas, can you just go and keep an eye on him? Here, finish these tequila shots."

"Enough tequila and even tight-ass angels like you'll have rhythm."

"Dean, you have the rhythm of a deaf rhinoceros."

"Shuddup. I got moves you never seen."

"If one of those moves is to the car so we can go home, I'd like to see it right now, please."

"You're no fuckin' fun. C'mon, dance floor, now."

_8:24 pm_

"Dean, I fucking told you."

"I dunno wha' happ'ned."

"I do, you decided jumping up and down in biker boots was a good idea. Here, put your foot in this ice bucket."

_9:37 pm_

"Okay, I think we can get by without the hospital, the swelling's almost gone."

"Ooh, is that a new shot girl?"

"Don't even think about it, Dean!"

_10:28 pm_ "Sir, you are mistaken. This woman is not drunk, she has a speech impediment caused by-"

"Oh God, another fuckin' white knight? I already threw two of those out, I have no hesitation about throwing out a third."

"But sir, you are being unfair."

"What the hell is it with this chick? She got beer-flavored nipples or something." "

He doesn't understand that reference. Come on, we'll settle up the tab and get out of your hair."

_10:37 pm_

"Best. St. Paddy's Day. Ever."


End file.
